Yeah, remember that comment? I had a panic attack on Tuesday in front of the Triathlete and ran off. So my last three workouts have sucked. I can’t get my heart rate up, I feel weak, and unmotivated. Tuesday I was reluctant to go, but I did. I went over to the treadmills and all the good ones were taken by people not in the class. I chose one I didn’t really want and kind of stood there on edge already from a crappy day at work, plugging in the listening device. It was hot; I was in direct sun. Also, my pants felt really tight, so I was uncomfortable. Suddenly, a woman taps me on the shoulder and in a really snobby tone of voice says that she reserved that treadmill. No big deal; I didn’t know. I looked around at all of the taken treadmills and I suddenly felt trapped. I grabbed my stuff and was thinking, “That’s it. I have to get out of here.” I walked over to him, handed him the listening device and said, “I can’t do this today.” He furrowed his brow and moved closer to me, “Why? Are you okay? What happened?” He actually looked genuinely concerned, poor guy. I said, “No, I’m fine, I just can’t, I’m sorry, it’s not you.” I took off for the other side of the gym and got on the stairmill, pounded out 50 minutes and was the recipient of a few cross-gym quizzical looks from him. I just had to get out of there. Feeling hot/stuffy/trapped is a PTSD trigger of mine. When I moved to the elliptical portion, I didn’t quite finish, and again, my heart rate wasn’t responding.
I’m not sure I can show my face again. “It’s not you.” Nice. I’m still kind of in love with him. in the midst of my brain exploding, when he gets close to me like that I can practically feel him. It’s so weird. He’s been all flirty with me again and actually waved at me when I was doing another workout on Monday, which he never does. I dunno. I dumped my big bucket of crazy all over him, which I am sure went over big.
Meanwhile, I had an extremely vivid dream about F. last night, the kind that feels so real it haunts you all day long. It made me reminisce and miss him a lot.